Archive for March, 2011

Helping Children Process Disaster

Wednesday, March 16th, 2011

“Oh, no, that’s a body!” exclaimed my 14-year-old daughter as she stood staring at the front page of the LA Times. The photo is of a dead man being pulled from the wreckage of the horrific earthquake that has devastated Japan.  While I am as mortified and saddened by the destruction and loss of life as anyone else, I wonder if this imagery is really necessary? As human beings do we really need the visual impact to understand how horrible things are across the Pacific? As a parent and someone who works with children and families it is quite disconcerting to me that these images are everywhere we turn right now. Many parents are having a difficult time wrapping their own minds around this tragedy, and even a more difficult time explaining it to their children.

Parents often underestimate the impact a distant catastrophe of this magnitude can have on their children. Some even believe that they may be protecting their children from it without realizing that there is no getting away from it. It’s on the news in our cars; it’s on the TVs in our homes; it’s in every newspaper and on the cover of every news magazine from your kitchen table to the grocery store checkout line. Our children are like sponges taking in images and stories all around them every minute of every day. Their young brains work overtime trying to assimilate this information and categorize it into their own experiences. Depending on the age and stage of your child’s development it’s imperative to be ever vigilant about helping them process this disaster.

Very young children, 3 and under, should be protected from as much of the visual imagery as possible. They are incapable of understanding that the things they see on TV are not happening in their own back yard, or that they are safe from the fires and flooding. Likewise preschool age children should not be subjected to the visual imagery available on TV, computers or in print. Parent must be vigilant about watching for signs that their child is trying to process the earthquake. Some children will act out by recreating an “earthquake” in imaginary play, and others will begin to use terminology they are currently hearing and seeing. Parents can best help their child deal with this by asking questions to get a clear picture of their current understanding, and answer the questions in a simple and clear manner without inducing fear or anxiety.

School age children are more probably hearing lots about the earthquake in school, and some may even have friends whose family have been affected. Again, rely on asking questions to help you gain a deeper understanding about what your child already knows, and where it is you might be able to further their grasp of the situation. Do your best to reassure your child that in the unlikely (or for some of us more likely) event something like this happens here the adults are doing everything they can to prepare. Older children should be encouraged to help in a family’s disaster preparedness plan. By allowing children to be part of the preparation they will feel more secure and reassured that the family is adequately equipped to cope in any unforeseen event.

For more detailed information about preparing your family for a disaster please go to http://www.fema.gov/areyouready/emergency_planning.shtm

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Setting and Maintaining Healthy Limits

Monday, March 7th, 2011

One of the biggest challenges parents face is setting age appropriate limits and maintaining them consistently. Here we’ll look at why, who, what and how of setting and maintaining limits. Defining limits and following through with them help parents create a safe, loving home environment where mutual respect and dignity abound.

Why do we have to set limits for our children/teens? Primarily we set limits to keep our children safe and healthy. We set limits to let children know what is socially acceptable and appropriate in particular situations. We set limits so that our children know what is expected of them, and to give them a sense of control and power over their world. We set limits to keep a sense of order because without order a child’s world can feel very overwhelming and uncertain.

Who defines or sets the limits for children/teens? I am certain everyone understands and agrees that limits are imposed on our children in all of the places they gather; in school, church, in the homes of friends and extended family, and in the community. In our homes it is the responsibility of the parents to decide what limits they will define and why. As your children get older you may consider discussing with them the limits and boundaries you set based on their maturity and level of responsibility, you will be surprised to find that your teen understands and welcomes reasonable limits.

What limits do we set as parents for our children? Let me begin here by saying that too many limits can be confining and can cause children to rebel. Children need to be able to explore, experiment and engage with their world within limits that are age appropriate for optimal growth and development. As a PCI Certified Parent Coach® I encourage parents to sit down with a piece of paper and pen and actually write out a list of absolute limits. These are things that have to do with the health and safety of the child, others, and property. These may be labeled Our Rules. This is a list of things that you have absolutely no problem following through on and maintaining with 100 percent consistency. This list will be very different for a family of teenagers than it will for a family with small children, therefore you will have to revisit these limits as your children grow and have the ability to take on more and more responsibility.

As you look back over your list you may notice that there are things that you frequently have battles over with your child/ren. Are these things absolutes; are they things that you have not been consistent about because you find that they don’t really matter that much? Are your limits realistic? It is imperative that your limits are realistic and that they can be explained and maintained in all settings. By ensuring this you set your child and yourself up for success. If your limits cannot be maintained in all settings then these may be called Our Negotiables.  By being clear about what you are willing to negotiate and what you aren’t you will have an easier time sticking to your guns.

Now that you know why you need to set limits, who sets the limits, and what limits you are going to set, comes the hard part—How do we maintain the limits? Maintaining limits requires a clear understanding of why you set them. If, for example, you don’t know why your teenager can’t stay out all night then you are going to have a really hard time sharing with him/her your expectation and getting them to follow it. Once you have a clear understanding of why you have a limit it will be much easier to share that value with your child. You will state the limit or boundary clearly and give your reason simply at the time it will be most beneficial. If your child responds in a less than desirable way, you can appreciate their disappointment, validate their frustration, and be clear in the knowledge that your limit is reasonable, and in the best interest of everyone involved. You will not get into a battle over the limits you set because there is no battle to have. Your child will understand that your limits come from a place of love and respect for who they are and who they are becoming.

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