Positive discipline, Limit setting and consistency, Conflict resolution that works, Sibling rivalry and new baby issues, Parenting as spouses and partners — how important is agreement?, Creating a media literate home by setting healthy limits around the use of electronics, Organization skills for effective family living and parenting, Establishing and maintaining a routine, Sleep issues, Potty training, Stopping the insanity — how to eliminate temper tantrums, Eliminating back talk, Coping with adolescence, positive parenting, parenting styles, parenting, parenting tips, parenting skills
Are you doing too much for your children or teens? Do you feel like you are always picking up after them, delivering the “forgotten” items to school each week, wishing they helped out more around the house, wondering if it is too much to give them a few chores or responsibilities at home? If so, you’re not alone. These are common concerns for many parents today. We struggle with how to best balance our children’s busy lives with what they could/should be doing as a productive member of the family.
I am a proponent of children having chores and responsibilities in the home. Maybe I am old fashioned or maybe it’s because I grew up on a cattle ranch and we all had to do our fair share of work as animals and land don’t wait. We all lived and worked together for a common goal and for the common good of the family. I learned at a very young age that work always comes before play. And when the work was done we played hard and enjoyed the fruits of our labor. This has instilled in me a work ethic that is hard to come by in today where we hire gardeners, housekeepers, painters, handymen, etc. to do the work we either don’t want or can’t do ourselves.
Giving your children a few chores to do around the house on a regular basis, or delegating to them a particular task teaches a great deal. They learn social responsibility, life skills and work ethic. Children also acquire a sense of significance and belonging when they are part of something else. It goes without saying that children can certainly benefit from learning the skills necessary to take care of a home, after all they will one day. Completing a task successfully also provides the child with a sense of accomplishment and pride while strengthening the connections within the family.
Children at a very early age can help with small things around the house. Preschoolers can sort laundry, take their dishes to the counter, put the silverware on the table, place their dirty clothes in the hamper, and hang their towel on the rack. Older children can be in charge of entire tasks such as setting the table, sorting the laundry and starting the machine, putting their own clothes away, keeping their toys picked up…the possibilities are as endless as your to do list. These chores and responsibilities do not need to be contained to indoors only either. Yard work is an excellent source of task ideas. Who knows, you may start a life long love of gardening. And what about that car that so desperately needs to be washed?
I know many of you are saying, “Yea right! How am I going to get my angst driven teenager to start doing chores around here now?” Well, quite truthfully, if they have never had any before there will probably be some resistance. Anytime you implement change in behavior or expectations everyone will need some time to adjust. I believe that family meetings are an excellent and productive way to share new thoughts or ideas within a family. Guidelines about how to manage a family meeting can be found on line, or you can create your own. Family meetings can be as creative as the individual family. The ground rules are quite simple: everyone gets a change to speak and be heard and you come to some sort of agreement or compromise as the solution.
Children will be most successful with the completion of the task if they have buy-in, meaning that they actually got to make a choice about which chore they will do based on a list either created by you or as a family. It is also necessary to take adequate time to train your child to do the task. By taking time for training you ensure the standard and set them up for success. Keep in mind the abilities of your child and allow for some wiggle room with “standard” the first time around. Once your child has finished the task be gracious and share with them how nice it was for you that they shared in the workload around the house.
So what are you waiting for? Go ahead and take a look at your lengthy to do list and ask yourself which tasks your children can easily do and ask them to help you out. You may just find that they enjoy the responsibility and are proud that you asked for their help!
Do you have a tough time getting your child up in the morning? Do you return to their room time and time again to hear the same retort over and over, “I know, I’m getting up!” During this last week this topic has come up in everyday conversations with parents, in my coaching practice and in my parenting classes, so, I figure if something is coming up that often it must be a concern for lots of parents. I hope to shed some light on this topic and reframe your thinking about whose job it is to get your child of bed each day.
I must first be completely transparent here and tell you I hate to get out of bed in the morning, and always have. I understand what it feels like to want to push the snooze bar just one more time, or put the pillow back over my head and pretend it will all go away. Wish as I might, this is not an option. I have responsibilities to tend to, my children, my career, my pets etc. that will not wait for me while I sleep the day away.
Getting ourselves up and going everyday is a skill we all need to be functioning adults. We don’t have our parents knocking on our doors, calling on the phone (okay, I do, but that’s a whole other blog post!), or shaking our bodies when it is time for us to get up. And, as parents, it is important for us to teach our children this skill without getting into power struggles. The sooner you start teaching your children that it is their responsibility to get out of bed the easier your mornings will be, and the better prepared for the real world your adult child will be.
Regardless of what age your child is now, kindergarten or beyond, it is important to have a discussion or family meeting about the importance of learning to get yourself up and going each day. Let them know that as a parent it is your job to teach them how to get along when you are not around, and you will not be coming in their room to get them up any longer. Ask them to share their ideas on finding a solution to this situation. In many families an alarm clock is purchased the first day of kindergarten and becomes an important life tool. Kids love technology and they love being in control and involved in the process of purchasing a gadget, and learning to use it!
Now the hard part—you must have faith and trust that your child can and will get themselves up for school. A mom recently shared with me that her teenage daughter is very difficult to get out of bed, and because of this their mornings are rushed and mom is often irritated and annoyed by the time everyone gets out of the house. She shared with me that her belief had been that her daughter could not get out of bed by herself. Then one day when her daughter hadn’t had a chance to shower at night before going to bed, the typical routine in the home, she was up and in the shower before mom was even out of bed! What did this mom learn? Her daughter is capable and can get herself out of bed in the morning—when it is important to her to do so. Mom now has faith and is ready to create effective change in the home thereby teaching her daughter a skill for life.
Some key things to consider when you are ready to make the change in your home to letting your child get themselves up and out of bed:
Is the nighttime routine consistent and effective?
Are your children getting enough sleep?
How much time does each child realistically need to get ready in the morning—this depends on the speed at which your child moves in the morning!
Just imagine the joy you will feel as a parent when you know your child will go to college able to get themselves up and going every day!
School just started and I’m wondering if your children are already complaining about headaches or stomachaches in the morning? Maybe you are even hearing those horrible words, “I don’t want to go to school, or I hate school!” As a parent hearing these things from our children can make us feel worried, concerned, challenged and often powerless. We want children to enjoy school. The majority of all parents I work with want their children to have a lifelong love of learning, yet their children, many at very young ages, are already complaining of psychological and somatic symptoms due to the pressure to perform in school.
Our family has certainly experienced this stress. At various times throughout their youth both of my daughters have complained of physical symptoms, and often times there have been tears shed over the shear amount of homework. Family vacations and holidays have had the added stress of hours and hours of homework, not too mention lugging the pounds of textbooks and school supplies on airplanes and road trips. My husband and I have struggled with the desire to rescue our children knowing that by doing this we weren’t helping anyone.
My daughters struggle to find a healthy balance between the things they love to do, such as sports, visual and performing arts, socializing with their friends, and the desire to do well in school. As a parent coach, educator and family consultant I intellectually know that this struggle to manage ones time between the things we want to do and the things we need to do is something we must all learn. It’s a skill most commonly referred to as time management.
Can our students really learn about time management when they are in school for 7 hours a day and then come home to 4 to 6 hours of additional homework? Are we sending a message to our young people that they should be well-rounded human beings with a love of learning and a variety of healthy interests, or are we telling them that in order to be successful they must be workaholics and perform to the standards set forth by someone else?
A powerful documentary Race to Nowhere by Vicki Abeles shares with us the latest research and first hand stories of children, teens and families who have been pushed to and over the edge by the overwhelming need to perform in our current education system. This movie is beautifully done. It is poignant and masterfully created. Not only does the movie define the problem, but at the end actually gives everyone ways to get involved and help change the state of our education system. Whether you are a parent, student, educator, administrator or simply a concerned individual about the future of our nation—you must see this.
I am thoroughly enjoying that the girls are back in school. My routines are falling back into place quite nicely. As a WAHM I found this past summer to be very challenging. Have you ever had one of those days when you had every intention of completing at least one thing on your to do list, and the next thing you know it’s three o’clock in the afternoon, you’re still in your pajamas sitting at the computer, and not a single thing you needed to accomplish is done. How does this happen when you’ve been working for hours? As a WAHM I have welcomed the return of the school year with much more zeal than I ever did when I worked outside the home.
I actually questioned whether the excitement I was feeling was normal, and I must confess I felt a bit guilty when I was more excited about buying school supplies than my daughters were!
Not only do I find it much easier to focus on my work, and I’m accomplishing tasks in about half the time I did during the summer, but better yet, I have much more time to focus on the kind of mom I want to be when my girls get home from school each day. I am able to meet their needs with more patience and love because mine have systematically been met.
In my work with children and families I frequently talk about the importance of structures, systems and routines when it comes to raising confident, well-adjusted children, and now I’m realizing that it is just as important for mom!
The girls and I just returned from a wonderful mother-daughter vacation. We visited 5 prospective universities and drove over 3000 miles visiting 5 states! We spent time relaxing, reading, floating rivers, site seeing, and enjoying lots of family and friends. And now, here we are, back to reality! I have a pile of bills on my desk, papers to manage, phone calls to return, emails to answer, laundry to do, shopping and meal planning, and the list goes on and on… But at the top of my list, and I’m sure at the top of yours right now, is the preparation it takes to make the back to school season a huge success for our family. It’s time to get everyone back on a routine and feeling comfortable and confident that we all have what we need to be a successful team player in our home as school begins.
I want to share with you a punch list of the things we do each year in our home to prepare for the shock of that morning alarm clock and the endless days of activity and excitement that come with the first day of school:
Make adjustments to bed times now. (did you know, teenagers need 9.5 hours of sleep per night) A great way to do this is to start the week before school begins and make a plan to go to bed 15 or 20 minutes earlier each night until you are back to your set bedtime. This will help minimize the morning struggle too!
Get those school supplies ready! Most schools make available a list of items each student will need.
Set up a homework area. This space should be comfortable, well lit, free from distraction and equipped with the tools and supplies each student needs to successfully complete their homework. Music might be nice too!
Stock the pantry with healthy snacks and non-sugary drinks. If your house is anything like mine you might also have to be prepared for the impromptu homework party with starving teenagers!
Have a family meeting to discuss everyone’s new schedules, and what that means to family meal times and transportation needs.
Work together to create a household job list and ask for each family to volunteer to do one or two jobs each day. This makes your home run more smoothly and gives kids the opportunity to learn cooperation and responsibility.
Be an active participant in your child’s education. Show them you care by asking specific questions about their day. Stay informed about their academics as well as their social activities without smothering them or being in charge! Remember, the number one predictor of learning success is parent involvement.
As I close I want to leave you with a couple of questions about this school year. What one life skill or characteristic would you like your child or teen to learn this year? What will it take for you to support that learning?
I would love for you to share what it is you do to prepare your family for a successful back to school, so please feel free to leave a comment.
It takes a lot of compassion and empathy to be a parent, especially when it comes to helping our children cope with the social challenges of growing up. As adults we all know that friendships change in many different ways. Often relationships can become stronger while others may dissolve altogether. Children are just learning this lesson, and we can’t protect them from the pain of inevitable change. What we can do, however, is help them process and cope with the change. By asking thoughtful questions from your heart about what your child is thinking, feeling and deciding about a particular situation they can come up with some of their own ideas about how to best deal with the situation.
Validate and empathize the feelings of your child, or help them give language to their feelings. As a society we are not comfortable talking about negative feelings, but I encourage you to do just that. Help your child build an emotional language so that they can express themselves in productive ways. Giving your child a journal to write about their experiences, and honoring their privacy with this journal will also promote healthy social and emotional limits for your child or teen.
I also find that sharing personal stories about our own experiences can be beneficial in helping a child process their experience, and lets them know we have all been there. Lecturing or getting on a soapbox about what your child should do, or judging how they are behaving is not healthy, nor is going to help.
Most important is to continue to honor, respect and love your child as they continue to experience the unconditional relationship that exists between the two of you, and model healthy relationships in your own life.
Fairness can be a hot button for many people. Often the feelings and ideas one has of equity and fairness from childhood can dictate how this issue is handled in a family. If you are an adult who knows that the issue of fairness is something you have a difficult time with, I would encourage you to go a little deeper for greater awareness and understanding about how you want to handle it with your own children. There are some things, however, you can do to help your child cope with their own developing constructs of fairness and justice.
When your child says, “That’s not fair”, listen to them and validate their feelings. Often times this can be all the child needs to move forward. You might say something like, “You are feeling like you aren’t being treated the same, and that is upsetting you.” You can also encourage your child to dig a bit deeper about their own sense of fairness by asking questions about how they are feeling, or maybe how they would handle the situation differently if they were the parent. Let them tell you why they think things are unfair. Give them in fantasy what they can’t have in reality. “If you had a magic wand and you could make everything fair wouldn’t that be great? What would everyone have first?” It is also important to share your rationalization about what the child finds unfair, but you do not need them to accept your reasons.
Refrain from making fairness something that you perpetuate between your children. We all know that absolute fairness and equality are not a reality, and it is an important bit of information your children need to understand while growing up. Children can learn that life is not fair, and they can learn solutions to solve problems of inequality. Do not attempt to rescue or fix things for your child when they feel like something is unfair. It is simply important that you understand their feelings and listen to them.
The cell phone rings, and of course I am way too busy at the moment to take a call from anyone. It’s her special ring, the piano riff, and instantly I get that feeling in the pit of my stomach that only a mother knows. “Mom can you come to the corner of Cota and Rhoda Way?”
“What do you need, Honey?” I ask in hopes that the question will reveal an answer different than the one I knew I was going to hear.
“I’ve been in a little accident, but everyone’s okay.” I then breathe a sigh of relief. At that moment she says something I am certain I haven’t heard in a long time, and quite possibly thought I’d never hear again, “Mom, I need you.”
I know that this teenage driving thing is risky, but I really didn’t believe that only two months after getting her drivers license, my baby would be involved in her first fender bender. Nor, would I have ever believed that a minor accident could possibly bring her father and I to a greater understanding of the vulnerability still alive in our seventeen year-old daughter. On the exterior she appears as though she can take on the world. She is strong, confident, intelligent, dedicated and committed to many a cause, but she still needs us.
I could have very easily made a big deal out of this accident as it is financially going to be a challenge for our family, and because I have reminded her time and time again about looking over her left shoulder. Among many things, I could have yelled at her, and punished her by taking her car away. However, I chose to take a different path, I chose to make this a lesson in learning from mistakes rather than learning about how scared, angry, upset or disappointed she can make her father and I feel. This lesson isn’t about her dad and I, it is a lesson in life from which she needs to learn.
Our little girl is growing up. She is now learning how to right a wrong in a very different way than she did in her primary years, but none the less, using the same tools and skills. She is learning more about being a careful driver, about insurance companies, about auto body shops and. most importantly, that she can rely on the ones who love her even when she thinks the worst thing in the world has just happened.
As a family we are learning more about gratitude. We are so grateful that neither the people in the other car or Sierra were injured in our first fender bender. Life is beautiful, and we must pay attention to the parenting lessons that come our way everyday, and make conscientious choices about what we learn and teach from them.
Is being a parent wearing you out? Are you at the end of your rope? Do you feel like your children or teenagers are always arguing with you, or out right disobeying your every request? Do you feel powerless in your home? Do you anticipate with dread the problems you will encounter in the morning or after they get home from school? When your children are talking to you do you hear their voice but have no idea what they just said? If any of this sounds familiar to you, you may very well be one of the millions of parents who are running on empty, with no energy reserves to do one of the most important jobs of life—parenting. Read the rest of this entry »
Welcome to the first monthly Joyful Parenting Newsletter from A Coach 4 Parents. It is my great pleasure and honor to have an opportunity to share with you all that I find helpful and comforting in the world of parenting. My journey to becoming a PCI Certified Parent Coach®, Certified Positive Discipline Parent Educator and Family Consultant has been exceptionally rewarding. Many of you reading this right now have been my inspiration, as have been my two beautifully vibrant and exuberant teenage daughters, Sierra & Kelsi. I have so much to be grateful for in my abundant life!
Each month you will receive a video containing a one-minute parenting tip, and a supporting article or two from myself and other parenting experts. My objective is to give you knew ways to “be” in your role as a parent, a refreshing view of life with children, and a plethora of tools for your parenting toolbox. Read the rest of this entry »
Are you doing too much for your children or teens? Do you feel like you are always picking up after them, delivering the “forgotten” items to school each week, wishing they helped out more around the house, wondering if it is too much to give them a few chores or responsibilities at home? If so, you’re not alone. These are common concerns for many parents today. We struggle with how to best balance our children’s busy lives with what they could/should be doing as a productive member of the family.
