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It’s As Simple As Asking a Question

Wednesday, May 18th, 2011

More and more I get the sense that parents feel the need to be the “Enforcer” in their home? Maybe they feel like their number one responsibility is to “make” their kids do things; and when they don’t do what is expected of them parents feel ineffective and wonder why the kids aren’t listening. Ultimately many parents then wonder what effective form of punishment they should enforce to teach their kids a lesson. Raising children that are self-disciplined, responsible and cooperative is challenging, but it can be done without the need to live in a police state. It’s done through educating children about their responsibility to themselves and others.

The word education comes from the Latin root educaré, which means, “to draw forth.” Most parents try to “stuff in” and then wonder why children don’t listen. As parents continue to lecture, tell, bribe, threaten or punish the words begin to sound like Charlie Brown’s teacher, and they go in one ear and out the other. This passive state of listening is not effective in gaining cooperation from children. Rather, if there is a shift in language from telling to asking questions a shift occurs in the child’s brain to active listening and thinking.

When parents ask curiosity questions they not only ignite the little signals in the child’s brain that remind children, “Oh, Yea, I’m suppose to take out the trash right now”, but mom and dad also get answers that deepen their understanding about why the child hasn’t actually completed the chore.  In other situations listening deeply to a child’s answers gives adults the opportunity to construct even more questions that can expand a child’s personal knowledge and understanding of themselves or the natural and logical consequences of a particular situation.

The challenge for most parents who decide to practice asking curiosity questions is just simply the act of listening or continuing to ask further questions without stepping in to tell the child what it is they are suppose to be doing or what might happen if… It’s also common to ask questions that are loaded in hopes that a parent will get the answer they are looking for, rather than the answer the child has. I encourage parents to practice asking questions and simply listening without imposing their own judgment. Some questions to ask might be:

  • What do you think is going on in this situation?
  • What is your plan?
  • What might be some benefits if you _________________?
  • What might be some consequence for _____________________?
  • What do you think are some possible solutions in your situation?

While this list is in no way exhaustive it can be a starting point. Remember that curiosity questions start with words like how, what, and why. These types of questions can also be used with very young children to help them cognitively explore their understanding of their world.

What is often of great surprise to parents is that they find out their children actually do have many answers and are paying more attention to dad and mom than we think they are. However, when adults are always lecturing at children the opportunity to hear their stories and gather their knowledge leave us believing they just don’t listen!

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Posted in Inspirations for Positive Parenting, Marni's Musings, Parenting, Parenting Teenagers, Parenting Tips, Parenting Young Children, Positive Discipline, Positive Parenting, Uncategorized, siblings | 1 Comment »

Helping Children Process Disaster

Wednesday, March 16th, 2011

“Oh, no, that’s a body!” exclaimed my 14-year-old daughter as she stood staring at the front page of the LA Times. The photo is of a dead man being pulled from the wreckage of the horrific earthquake that has devastated Japan.  While I am as mortified and saddened by the destruction and loss of life as anyone else, I wonder if this imagery is really necessary? As human beings do we really need the visual impact to understand how horrible things are across the Pacific? As a parent and someone who works with children and families it is quite disconcerting to me that these images are everywhere we turn right now. Many parents are having a difficult time wrapping their own minds around this tragedy, and even a more difficult time explaining it to their children.

Parents often underestimate the impact a distant catastrophe of this magnitude can have on their children. Some even believe that they may be protecting their children from it without realizing that there is no getting away from it. It’s on the news in our cars; it’s on the TVs in our homes; it’s in every newspaper and on the cover of every news magazine from your kitchen table to the grocery store checkout line. Our children are like sponges taking in images and stories all around them every minute of every day. Their young brains work overtime trying to assimilate this information and categorize it into their own experiences. Depending on the age and stage of your child’s development it’s imperative to be ever vigilant about helping them process this disaster.

Very young children, 3 and under, should be protected from as much of the visual imagery as possible. They are incapable of understanding that the things they see on TV are not happening in their own back yard, or that they are safe from the fires and flooding. Likewise preschool age children should not be subjected to the visual imagery available on TV, computers or in print. Parent must be vigilant about watching for signs that their child is trying to process the earthquake. Some children will act out by recreating an “earthquake” in imaginary play, and others will begin to use terminology they are currently hearing and seeing. Parents can best help their child deal with this by asking questions to get a clear picture of their current understanding, and answer the questions in a simple and clear manner without inducing fear or anxiety.

School age children are more probably hearing lots about the earthquake in school, and some may even have friends whose family have been affected. Again, rely on asking questions to help you gain a deeper understanding about what your child already knows, and where it is you might be able to further their grasp of the situation. Do your best to reassure your child that in the unlikely (or for some of us more likely) event something like this happens here the adults are doing everything they can to prepare. Older children should be encouraged to help in a family’s disaster preparedness plan. By allowing children to be part of the preparation they will feel more secure and reassured that the family is adequately equipped to cope in any unforeseen event.

For more detailed information about preparing your family for a disaster please go to http://www.fema.gov/areyouready/emergency_planning.shtm

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Setting and Maintaining Healthy Limits

Monday, March 7th, 2011

One of the biggest challenges parents face is setting age appropriate limits and maintaining them consistently. Here we’ll look at why, who, what and how of setting and maintaining limits. Defining limits and following through with them help parents create a safe, loving home environment where mutual respect and dignity abound.

Why do we have to set limits for our children/teens? Primarily we set limits to keep our children safe and healthy. We set limits to let children know what is socially acceptable and appropriate in particular situations. We set limits so that our children know what is expected of them, and to give them a sense of control and power over their world. We set limits to keep a sense of order because without order a child’s world can feel very overwhelming and uncertain.

Who defines or sets the limits for children/teens? I am certain everyone understands and agrees that limits are imposed on our children in all of the places they gather; in school, church, in the homes of friends and extended family, and in the community. In our homes it is the responsibility of the parents to decide what limits they will define and why. As your children get older you may consider discussing with them the limits and boundaries you set based on their maturity and level of responsibility, you will be surprised to find that your teen understands and welcomes reasonable limits.

What limits do we set as parents for our children? Let me begin here by saying that too many limits can be confining and can cause children to rebel. Children need to be able to explore, experiment and engage with their world within limits that are age appropriate for optimal growth and development. As a PCI Certified Parent Coach® I encourage parents to sit down with a piece of paper and pen and actually write out a list of absolute limits. These are things that have to do with the health and safety of the child, others, and property. These may be labeled Our Rules. This is a list of things that you have absolutely no problem following through on and maintaining with 100 percent consistency. This list will be very different for a family of teenagers than it will for a family with small children, therefore you will have to revisit these limits as your children grow and have the ability to take on more and more responsibility.

As you look back over your list you may notice that there are things that you frequently have battles over with your child/ren. Are these things absolutes; are they things that you have not been consistent about because you find that they don’t really matter that much? Are your limits realistic? It is imperative that your limits are realistic and that they can be explained and maintained in all settings. By ensuring this you set your child and yourself up for success. If your limits cannot be maintained in all settings then these may be called Our Negotiables.  By being clear about what you are willing to negotiate and what you aren’t you will have an easier time sticking to your guns.

Now that you know why you need to set limits, who sets the limits, and what limits you are going to set, comes the hard part—How do we maintain the limits? Maintaining limits requires a clear understanding of why you set them. If, for example, you don’t know why your teenager can’t stay out all night then you are going to have a really hard time sharing with him/her your expectation and getting them to follow it. Once you have a clear understanding of why you have a limit it will be much easier to share that value with your child. You will state the limit or boundary clearly and give your reason simply at the time it will be most beneficial. If your child responds in a less than desirable way, you can appreciate their disappointment, validate their frustration, and be clear in the knowledge that your limit is reasonable, and in the best interest of everyone involved. You will not get into a battle over the limits you set because there is no battle to have. Your child will understand that your limits come from a place of love and respect for who they are and who they are becoming.

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Posted in Inspirations for Positive Parenting, Parenting, Parenting Teenagers, Parenting Tips, Parenting Young Children, Positive Parenting | No Comments »

11 Tips to Soothe Sibling Rivalry

Tuesday, January 4th, 2011

If you have more than one child, or are a sibling yourself, you are more than likely aware that arguing, bickering or physically tormenting a brother or sister is simply part of the package. But, did you know that as a parent your reaction to your own children’s squabbling can contribute to sibling rivalry that may affect their relationships in negative ways for many years to come?

As parents we want nothing but the best for our children. Many of us who have more than one child may have even fantasized during pregnancy about what great friends and playmates our children would be, and that as adults they would be closest of friends. It is understandable that when our children are hurting each other’s feelings, or physically pounding on one other that we can become impatient, or even enraged by this behavior. What good does that do anyone?

Listed here are 11 tips for soothing sibling rivalry in your home. Give one or more of them a try–You’ll be glad you did!

  1. Accept sibling rivalry—we don’t all get along one hundred percent of the time and neither will our kids. Understanding that the occasional or even more frequent spat is normal and expected will help you keep your patience.
  2. Consider the age of the siblings– children at varying developmental levels have different needs. Do what you can to set up the environment so that each child get’s his or her needs met, and spend special time with each of your children individually.
  3. Allow feelings to be expressed. We don’t like to hear negative feelings, but let’s face it we all have them, and allowing them to be expressed will give you the opportunity to teach your children how to express their negative feelings in an appropriate manner.
  4. Don’t react without taking a moment to decide how and why you are going to intervene. Being mindful about why it is you are getting involved and being very clear about your desired outcome is paramount in helping children resolve their conflicts.
  5. Emotionally distance yourself from the conflict and stay neutral. Don’t choose sides or make comparisons. By maintaining neutrality you are able to validate and empathize with each child giving them the opportunity to express themselves and focus on solutions to the problem.
  6. Assist in bridging the gap in their differences by using conflict resolution skills that teach children to focus on problem solving skills.
  7. Refrain from punishing, shaming or labeling your children’s behavior—These tactics don’t teach anything about getting along with others!
  8. Model healthy relationships—the way you and your spouse or partner resolve conflicts makes a huge impact on your child’s ability to form close and meaningful relationships throughout their life.
  9. Bear it, Beat it, or Boot ‘em out! Give your children the opportunity to resolve conflicts on their own without intervening. Bear it–simply stay quiet and let them figure it out; Beat it–walk away and trust that they can resolve the problem; Boot ‘em out–send them to another room or outside and let them know you’d love them to come back and tell you how they solved their conflict.
  10. Fairness has nothing to do with it! Do not worry about everything being exactly fair. Rather, strive for equality. Each child should get what they need in time and attention from their parents.
  11. Make sure everyone’s basic needs are met. Tired, hungry or sick children don’t make the best brothers or sisters, and mommy and daddy aren’t much help if they are exhausted and overwhelmed either. Be aware of the bewitching hours in your home and plan accordingly by involving the children in other activities.
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Posted in Marni's Musings, Parenting, Parenting Teenagers, Parenting Tips, Parenting Young Children, Positive Parenting, Uncategorized, siblings | 2 Comments »

Family Traditions Foster Social and Emotional Development

Tuesday, November 23rd, 2010

The Holidays are already here, and if you are like me you have made about one hundred “To Do Lists” for everything from shopping, baking, decorating, gift giving to general household duties. But have you intentionally focused on the traditions that you want to share and pass on to your children? Experts agree that sharing family traditions is an important part of identity formation, as it gives children a base from which to understand from where it is they’ve come. Many family values are also passed on to children through sharing traditions. Because of the holidays December always seems to me to be the month most packed with opportunity to share traditions, rituals and customs.

Regardless of what holiday or combination of holidays a family observes, there are a multitude of religious and non-religious traditions to share with children. In our home we are fond of baking and cooking. We pull out the dusty recipe box that holds the precious recipes handed down from both my husbands and my family. Finding the old recipe cards that are written in my Grandmothers handwriting, or seeing that a recipe was handed down from my husbands great grandmother who came to this country as a young girl are all story starters for my daughters and I.  Being in the kitchen together gives us the opportunity to spend quality time working together, and I get to teach them some cooking skills that they may never learn if it weren’t for our Christmas baking.

I often hear from families that they are concerned about not having any traditions to pass on to their children. However, once we start talking about things that are done the same way every year, whether the immediate family created them or it came from their ancestors, there are traditions being shared. Traditions for some are quite small and have no religious or special meaning other than this is the way my mom did it. While other traditions exemplify great religious or spiritual meaning for people. In my estimation there is no tradition to small or great that should not be passed on to your children. If it has meaning for you it will have meaning for your children.

If you are a blended family either through race, religion, or marriage it is a lovely idea to develop customs, traditions or rituals of your own that will become part of the legacy you leave of your love and commitment to each other’s values. It is never to soon or too late to start a tradition or dust an old one off and start sharing it with those that mean the most. So in keeping with my family tradition, I wish you all a joyful and blessed Thanksgiving and Christmas, and prosperous New Year.

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Posted in Marni's Musings, Parenting Tips, Positive Parenting | 1 Comment »

The Naughty Chair is Exile for Little People!

Wednesday, November 17th, 2010

Time outs and naughty chairs have become standard fare for parents who often feel at a loss for how to change the unacceptable behavior of their children, even with the youngest of children. The practice of using time outs originated in an attempt to stop using physical punishment on children in order to gain cooperation.  As a disciplinary tool parents will send their “misbehaving” child to their room, or some creatively named chair, with the intention of making the child sit and think about what they have just done.

However, most children will not easily go and sit quietly in a chair to ponder the choices they have made, and come out with new and improved behavior. This can be seen time and time again on Super Nanny, when the Nanny or the desperate parents have to repeatedly, physically move the child to the “Naughty Chair”, until eventually the child has been broken like a misbehaving animal, and sits, usually crying, until the adult says they can get up. Is this what we really want for our children? To break them like an animal?

This parenting practice, in fact, can backfire all together, and the actual enforcement of isolation can create an issue all its own. When children are isolated they feel shame, guilt, unloved, unappreciated, and misunderstood. They can become discouraged and begin to act out in other ways.  Many children decide to get even, harbor resentment, rebel, or distrust adults all together. The time out has not built self-confidence, impulse control or better ways of coping or behaving.

Time outs come from an authoritarian parenting style, the traditional power over model of parenting, rather than an authoritative parenting style that is demanding and equally responsive to children. What is most effective when children are acting out is the love and support of adults who take time to teach and guide the child’s behavior with kindness, dignity and respect.

Children are constantly learning. It has often been said that they are like sponges. Therefore, they can be taught how to act in a ways that are acceptable without being punished. People often ask how to encourage proper behavior if we don’t punish. My answer, take time for training. Tell them what is expected. Show them how to behave. Set them up, prior to a situation, for success.  Recognize and acknowledge when children are behaving in appropriate and acceptable ways, and when they are cooperating.

Very young children need constant supervision, redirection, and training to understand their world—not punishment. It is important to understand that young children are developing their sense of autonomy and initiative. It is helpful for parents to get into the shoes of their child and look at the behavior from a place of curiosity and wonder. Parents can actually ask themselves, “What does my developing child need right now?”

I remember when my girls were very young, and we went to visit my mom and her beautiful collection of crystal figurines that were so artfully displayed on a coffee table, right at toddler level! Many grandparents would move the glass menagerie if their grandchildren were visiting, but not my mom.  Therefore, the only alternative was to teach my girls that these shiny, miniature objects were not for our touching, but rather simply to look at. So we did just that. We looked with them; we showed them where they could put their hands on the table; we used language to develop their understanding with such words as delicate and breakable, and most importantly that they were Grandma’s very special things and not toys for us. This took time, and lots of patience on our part. As parents and grandparents, we modeled the behavior we wanted to see from our children. I am pleased to tell you that they never did touch Grandma’s “decilate” crystals!

There are times when parents become frustrated with their children, the fuse is short and everyone needs a break. Take the break, but take it with your child, rather than forcing them into exile. Have five minutes of quiet time on the couch without saying a word. After everyone has calmed down you can talk to your child about their behavior and take advantage of the teachable moment to teach rather than to punish. Handling tough parenting situations in a positive non-punitive manner will make parenting much more enjoyable, and your children will be encouraged to behave in appropriate ways because it’s the right thing to do, not because someone bigger than them has exiled them to the “Naughty chair.”

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Posted in Inspirations for Positive Parenting, Parenting, Parenting Tips, Parenting Young Children, Positive Parenting | 8 Comments »

Being Positive Doesn’t Mean Being Perfect

Wednesday, October 20th, 2010

By Denny Hagel

I have always loved the tongue in cheek saying, “If momma ain’t happy, nobody’s happy!” Of course it was meant to insinuate that it was in everyone’s best interest to do what momma wanted… or else. But what I have come to realize is that there is an enormous amount of truth in those words. Not because mothers insist that everything go their way, but because parents in general have the power to affect their children in ways many are not aware of.

For example, let’s say you have had a bad day at work.  As you are preparing dinner you are still feeling frustrated about your day so as you place the pan on the stove a bit more forceful than unusual, the cupboard door is shut with a bit more energy, and as your five year old innocently comments on the fact that he doesn’t like the vegetable you are preparing, you respond with nothing more than a glare.

The only thing your child knows is that you are not happy. He doesn’t know why but because his innocent comment was met with a much different response than he is used to, he thinks your negative mood is his fault.

And then several days later your child has experienced a bad at school. He slams the door of the car when you pick him up from school, throws his back pack on the floor as he enters the house and when you ask him what is wrong, he delivers that glare.

Children look to their parents for guidance about what to think, how to feel, how to respond and react. There are volumes of books that explain the scientific evidence behind the vibrational messages we send out by how we act and feel. I will let you research that on your own. But what is important for parents to realize is that those messages, whether vibrational, through our voice tone or our moods will be reflected in our children.

When we present a positive attitude and approach to life’s challenges, our children will follow suit. That is not to say we must put on “happy face” and go through our days emulating the “Stepford” lifestyle with a forced smile covering our true feelings.

What is preferable, however, is to communicate with your children. Tell them your feelings…be honest and if appropriate ask for their help. Too often parents feel the need to be perfect in their children’s eyes. They think that to allow their children to see them struggling, frustrated, or upset will in some way negatively affect them.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

Being real with your children is the most positive thing you can do. If you had a bad day at work, share your feelings and allow them to see you are not perfect and that you too have struggles. What is important is to make sure you also demonstrate that you are confident that you can and will work through it.

So, should you have a bad day, or find yourself in a bad mood, SAY SO! Simply share the truth. “I am sorry Billy, I have not had a good day at work and I am really tired right now. Could you help me by allowing me a few minutes to rest a bit and then we can make dinner together?”

Children don’t need parents who are always perfect; they need parents who are always present…even when that means asking for some space.  Allow them into your life, thorns and all, and you will be building a relationship where your children feel comfortable sharing their thoughts and feelings with you.

Modeling positive behavior does not mean having to be perfect.

Denny Hagel is a Children’s Advocate and Parenting Coach. She has devoted her career to helping parents empower their children with an understanding of the principles of the law of attraction at work in their lives through her many publications, eBooks, and programs at her company, Innovative Parenting LLC. ~Parenting the way Nature intended it to be~.
For more info: http://www.MissingSecretToParenting.com

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Posted in Guest Contributors, Inspirations for Positive Parenting, Parenting Tips, Positive Parenting | No Comments »

8 Alternatives to Nagging!

Wednesday, October 6th, 2010

I am a nag! Yes, I confess, a nag. Admittedly I am less of a nag now than I once was, but a nag nonetheless.  Should you survey my daughters and my husband they will undoubtedly agree.  To be certain that we are all on the same page with what a nag is I share with you that Dictionary.com defines nag as to annoy by persistent faultfinding, complaints, or demands. Can you relate to this definition? Are you a nag, self-proclaimed or judged as such? Then keep reading because I want to share with you 8 tools that I have learned through Positive Discipline that seriously decrease my nagging time, and I’m finding greater joy in parenting because of them.

1.     Act without talking: when you need your child to cooperate with something you have asked him to do once, and he doesn’t follow through try gently putting your hand on his shoulder and walking him to the place where the task takes place. Or, when your child is doing their best to interrupt you while you are on the phone, simply reach out and rub her arm without looking at her, let her know you are aware that she needs you but you aren’t responding to her verbally right now. She’ll either stay with you while you finish your call or she’ll walk away and try again later. (Get it, you aren’t nagging—feels good, doesn’t it?)

2.     Give Limited Choices: Children want to have power and be in control, so let them. “Will you get in your car seat by yourself, or would you like me to help you?” “Would you like peas or corn for dinner?” “Do you want to wear the red shoes or the white ones?” With this we aren’t nagging either, simply giving choices and waiting while children decide for themselves. It’s a win/win.

3.      Make a reasonable request in 10 words or less, and wait for child to respond. We nagging moms can really over talk things! When we say things with fewer words children and spouses are more likely to listen. It helps to do this when there are no distractions, make sure you have your child’s complete attention when you do this.

4.     Use one word. I love this! When it is time for me to begin the laundry I simply say to my daughters, “Laundry!” and they know that means to get their laundry in the hamper, or the consequence is their clothes don’t get washed.

5.     Use a signal or leave a note for your child. I find that leaving a note for my girls works better than almost anything else I’ve tried, but of course they are old enough to read! To use a signal let’s say your children’s dirty clothes are lying in a pile on their bedroom floor; when you go to tuck them in, simply point to the pile. They know what you mean, and they will usually take care of the pile right then and there—no nagging, lecturing or telling necessary! (Obviously they need to have experience and know what to do with their dirty clothes, the expectation has to already be set up)

6.     Say how you feel: Use I messages that share with your child what you would like to have happen. “I wish the bathroom towels could be hung on the towel rack.”

7.     Give information: give your child the information they need to do what you are asking. Make sure they have the skills they need to complete the task.

8.     Describe what you see: “I see the towels are on the bathroom floor.” I have found that this takes blame and shame out of the equation. The child knows who left their towel on the floor and the one who did will fix their mistake without you nagging at them!

I hope these tools help you as much as they have me. I’d love to hear how they work for you too, so leave me a comment. Feel free to share this with others who you think might benefit too!

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Posted in Inspirations for Positive Parenting, Marni's Musings, Parenting, Parenting Styles, Parenting Teenagers, Parenting Tips, Parenting Young Children, Positive Parenting | 2 Comments »

Children Need Responsibility

Wednesday, September 29th, 2010

Are you doing too much for your children or teens? Do you feel like you are always picking up after them, delivering the “forgotten” items to school each week, wishing they helped out more around the house, wondering if it is too much to give them a few chores or responsibilities at home? If so, you’re not alone. These are common concerns for many parents today. We struggle with how to best balance our children’s busy lives with what they could/should be doing as a productive member of the family.

I am a proponent of children having chores and responsibilities in the home. Maybe I am old fashioned or maybe it’s because I grew up on a cattle ranch and we all had to do our fair share of work as animals and land don’t wait. We all lived and worked together for a common goal and for the common good of the family.  I learned at a very young age that work always comes before play. And when the work was done we played hard and enjoyed the fruits of our labor.  This has instilled in me a work ethic that is hard to come by in today where we hire gardeners, housekeepers, painters, handymen, etc. to do the work we either don’t want or can’t do ourselves.

Giving your children a few chores to do around the house on a regular basis, or delegating to them a particular task teaches a great deal. They learn social responsibility, life skills and work ethic. Children also acquire a sense of significance and belonging when they are part of something else. It goes without saying that children can certainly benefit from learning the skills necessary to take care of a home, after all they will one day. Completing a task successfully also provides the child with a sense of accomplishment and pride while strengthening the connections within the family.

Children at a very early age can help with small things around the house. Preschoolers can sort laundry, take their dishes to the counter, put the silverware on the table, place their dirty clothes in the hamper, and hang their towel on the rack. Older children can be in charge of entire tasks such as setting the table, sorting the laundry and starting the machine, putting their own clothes away, keeping their toys picked up…the possibilities are as endless as your to do list. These chores and responsibilities do not need to be contained to indoors only either. Yard work is an excellent source of task ideas. Who knows, you may start a life long love of gardening. And what about that car that so desperately needs to be washed?

I know many of you are saying, “Yea right! How am I going to get my angst driven teenager to start doing chores around here now?” Well, quite truthfully, if they have never had any before there will probably be some resistance. Anytime you implement change in behavior or expectations everyone will need some time to adjust. I believe that family meetings are an excellent and productive way to share new thoughts or ideas within a family. Guidelines about how to manage a family meeting can be found on line, or you can create your own. Family meetings can be as creative as the individual family. The ground rules are quite simple: everyone gets a change to speak and be heard and you come to some sort of agreement or compromise as the solution.

Children will be most successful with the completion of the task if they have buy-in, meaning that they actually got to make a choice about which chore they will do based on a list either created by you or as a family. It is also necessary to take adequate time to train your child to do the task. By taking time for training you ensure the standard and set them up for success.  Keep in mind the abilities of your child and allow for some wiggle room with “standard” the first time around. Once your child has finished the task be gracious and share with them how nice it was for you that they shared in the workload around the house.

So what are you waiting for? Go ahead and take a look at your lengthy to do list and ask yourself which tasks your children can easily do and ask them to help you out.  You may just find that they enjoy the responsibility and are proud that you asked for their help!

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Posted in Marni's Musings, Parenting, Parenting Teenagers, Positive Parenting | 2 Comments »

Who’s Getting Your Child Out of Bed?

Thursday, September 23rd, 2010

Do you have a tough time getting your child up in the morning? Do you return to their room time and time again to hear the same retort over and over, “I know, I’m getting up!” During this last week this topic has come up in everyday conversations with parents, in my coaching practice and in my parenting classes, so, I figure if something is coming up that often it must be a concern for lots of parents. I hope to shed some light on this topic and reframe your thinking about whose job it is to get your child of bed each day.

I must first be completely transparent here and tell you I hate to get out of bed in the morning, and always have. I understand what it feels like to want to push the snooze bar just one more time, or put the pillow back over my head and pretend it will all go away.  Wish as I might, this is not an option. I have responsibilities to tend to, my children, my career, my pets etc. that will not wait for me while I sleep the day away.

Getting ourselves up and going everyday is a skill we all need to be functioning adults. We don’t have our parents knocking on our doors, calling on the phone (okay, I do, but that’s a whole other blog post!), or shaking our bodies when it is time for us to get up. And, as parents, it is important for us to teach our children this skill without getting into power struggles. The sooner you start teaching your children that it is their responsibility to get out of bed the easier your mornings will be, and the better prepared for the real world your adult child will be.

Regardless of what age your child is now, kindergarten or beyond, it is important to have a discussion or family meeting about the importance of learning to get yourself up and going each day.  Let them know that as a parent it is your job to teach them how to get along when you are not around, and you will not be coming in their room to get them up any longer. Ask them to share their ideas on finding a solution to this situation. In many families an alarm clock is purchased the first day of kindergarten and becomes an important life tool. Kids love technology and they love being in control and involved in the process of purchasing a gadget, and learning to use it!

Now the hard part—you must have faith and trust that your child can and will get themselves up for school. A mom recently shared with me that her teenage daughter is very difficult to get out of bed, and because of this their mornings are rushed and mom is often irritated and annoyed by the time everyone gets out of the house. She shared with me that her belief had been that her daughter could not get out of bed by herself. Then one day when her daughter hadn’t had a chance to shower at night before going to bed, the typical routine in the home, she was up and in the shower before mom was even out of bed! What did this mom learn? Her daughter is capable and can get herself out of bed in the morning—when it is important to her to do so.  Mom now has faith and is ready to create effective change in the home thereby teaching her daughter a skill for life.

Some key things to consider when you are ready to make the change in your home to letting your child get themselves up and out of bed:

  • Is the nighttime routine consistent and effective?
  • Are your children getting enough sleep?
  • How much time does each child realistically need to get ready in the morning—this depends on the speed at which your child moves in the morning!

Just imagine the joy you will feel as a parent when you know your child will go to college able to get themselves up and going every day!

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Posted in Marni's Musings, Parenting, Parenting Teenagers, Positive Parenting, Uncategorized | 3 Comments »

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