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It’s As Simple As Asking a Question

Wednesday, May 18th, 2011

More and more I get the sense that parents feel the need to be the “Enforcer” in their home? Maybe they feel like their number one responsibility is to “make” their kids do things; and when they don’t do what is expected of them parents feel ineffective and wonder why the kids aren’t listening. Ultimately many parents then wonder what effective form of punishment they should enforce to teach their kids a lesson. Raising children that are self-disciplined, responsible and cooperative is challenging, but it can be done without the need to live in a police state. It’s done through educating children about their responsibility to themselves and others.

The word education comes from the Latin root educaré, which means, “to draw forth.” Most parents try to “stuff in” and then wonder why children don’t listen. As parents continue to lecture, tell, bribe, threaten or punish the words begin to sound like Charlie Brown’s teacher, and they go in one ear and out the other. This passive state of listening is not effective in gaining cooperation from children. Rather, if there is a shift in language from telling to asking questions a shift occurs in the child’s brain to active listening and thinking.

When parents ask curiosity questions they not only ignite the little signals in the child’s brain that remind children, “Oh, Yea, I’m suppose to take out the trash right now”, but mom and dad also get answers that deepen their understanding about why the child hasn’t actually completed the chore.  In other situations listening deeply to a child’s answers gives adults the opportunity to construct even more questions that can expand a child’s personal knowledge and understanding of themselves or the natural and logical consequences of a particular situation.

The challenge for most parents who decide to practice asking curiosity questions is just simply the act of listening or continuing to ask further questions without stepping in to tell the child what it is they are suppose to be doing or what might happen if… It’s also common to ask questions that are loaded in hopes that a parent will get the answer they are looking for, rather than the answer the child has. I encourage parents to practice asking questions and simply listening without imposing their own judgment. Some questions to ask might be:

  • What do you think is going on in this situation?
  • What is your plan?
  • What might be some benefits if you _________________?
  • What might be some consequence for _____________________?
  • What do you think are some possible solutions in your situation?

While this list is in no way exhaustive it can be a starting point. Remember that curiosity questions start with words like how, what, and why. These types of questions can also be used with very young children to help them cognitively explore their understanding of their world.

What is often of great surprise to parents is that they find out their children actually do have many answers and are paying more attention to dad and mom than we think they are. However, when adults are always lecturing at children the opportunity to hear their stories and gather their knowledge leave us believing they just don’t listen!

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Posted in Inspirations for Positive Parenting, Marni's Musings, Parenting, Parenting Teenagers, Parenting Tips, Parenting Young Children, Positive Discipline, Positive Parenting, Uncategorized, siblings | 1 Comment »

11 Tips to Soothe Sibling Rivalry

Tuesday, January 4th, 2011

If you have more than one child, or are a sibling yourself, you are more than likely aware that arguing, bickering or physically tormenting a brother or sister is simply part of the package. But, did you know that as a parent your reaction to your own children’s squabbling can contribute to sibling rivalry that may affect their relationships in negative ways for many years to come?

As parents we want nothing but the best for our children. Many of us who have more than one child may have even fantasized during pregnancy about what great friends and playmates our children would be, and that as adults they would be closest of friends. It is understandable that when our children are hurting each other’s feelings, or physically pounding on one other that we can become impatient, or even enraged by this behavior. What good does that do anyone?

Listed here are 11 tips for soothing sibling rivalry in your home. Give one or more of them a try–You’ll be glad you did!

  1. Accept sibling rivalry—we don’t all get along one hundred percent of the time and neither will our kids. Understanding that the occasional or even more frequent spat is normal and expected will help you keep your patience.
  2. Consider the age of the siblings– children at varying developmental levels have different needs. Do what you can to set up the environment so that each child get’s his or her needs met, and spend special time with each of your children individually.
  3. Allow feelings to be expressed. We don’t like to hear negative feelings, but let’s face it we all have them, and allowing them to be expressed will give you the opportunity to teach your children how to express their negative feelings in an appropriate manner.
  4. Don’t react without taking a moment to decide how and why you are going to intervene. Being mindful about why it is you are getting involved and being very clear about your desired outcome is paramount in helping children resolve their conflicts.
  5. Emotionally distance yourself from the conflict and stay neutral. Don’t choose sides or make comparisons. By maintaining neutrality you are able to validate and empathize with each child giving them the opportunity to express themselves and focus on solutions to the problem.
  6. Assist in bridging the gap in their differences by using conflict resolution skills that teach children to focus on problem solving skills.
  7. Refrain from punishing, shaming or labeling your children’s behavior—These tactics don’t teach anything about getting along with others!
  8. Model healthy relationships—the way you and your spouse or partner resolve conflicts makes a huge impact on your child’s ability to form close and meaningful relationships throughout their life.
  9. Bear it, Beat it, or Boot ‘em out! Give your children the opportunity to resolve conflicts on their own without intervening. Bear it–simply stay quiet and let them figure it out; Beat it–walk away and trust that they can resolve the problem; Boot ‘em out–send them to another room or outside and let them know you’d love them to come back and tell you how they solved their conflict.
  10. Fairness has nothing to do with it! Do not worry about everything being exactly fair. Rather, strive for equality. Each child should get what they need in time and attention from their parents.
  11. Make sure everyone’s basic needs are met. Tired, hungry or sick children don’t make the best brothers or sisters, and mommy and daddy aren’t much help if they are exhausted and overwhelmed either. Be aware of the bewitching hours in your home and plan accordingly by involving the children in other activities.
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Posted in Marni's Musings, Parenting, Parenting Teenagers, Parenting Tips, Parenting Young Children, Positive Parenting, Uncategorized, siblings | 2 Comments »

Family Traditions Foster Social and Emotional Development

Tuesday, November 23rd, 2010

The Holidays are already here, and if you are like me you have made about one hundred “To Do Lists” for everything from shopping, baking, decorating, gift giving to general household duties. But have you intentionally focused on the traditions that you want to share and pass on to your children? Experts agree that sharing family traditions is an important part of identity formation, as it gives children a base from which to understand from where it is they’ve come. Many family values are also passed on to children through sharing traditions. Because of the holidays December always seems to me to be the month most packed with opportunity to share traditions, rituals and customs.

Regardless of what holiday or combination of holidays a family observes, there are a multitude of religious and non-religious traditions to share with children. In our home we are fond of baking and cooking. We pull out the dusty recipe box that holds the precious recipes handed down from both my husbands and my family. Finding the old recipe cards that are written in my Grandmothers handwriting, or seeing that a recipe was handed down from my husbands great grandmother who came to this country as a young girl are all story starters for my daughters and I.  Being in the kitchen together gives us the opportunity to spend quality time working together, and I get to teach them some cooking skills that they may never learn if it weren’t for our Christmas baking.

I often hear from families that they are concerned about not having any traditions to pass on to their children. However, once we start talking about things that are done the same way every year, whether the immediate family created them or it came from their ancestors, there are traditions being shared. Traditions for some are quite small and have no religious or special meaning other than this is the way my mom did it. While other traditions exemplify great religious or spiritual meaning for people. In my estimation there is no tradition to small or great that should not be passed on to your children. If it has meaning for you it will have meaning for your children.

If you are a blended family either through race, religion, or marriage it is a lovely idea to develop customs, traditions or rituals of your own that will become part of the legacy you leave of your love and commitment to each other’s values. It is never to soon or too late to start a tradition or dust an old one off and start sharing it with those that mean the most. So in keeping with my family tradition, I wish you all a joyful and blessed Thanksgiving and Christmas, and prosperous New Year.

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Posted in Marni's Musings, Parenting Tips, Positive Parenting | 1 Comment »

8 Alternatives to Nagging!

Wednesday, October 6th, 2010

I am a nag! Yes, I confess, a nag. Admittedly I am less of a nag now than I once was, but a nag nonetheless.  Should you survey my daughters and my husband they will undoubtedly agree.  To be certain that we are all on the same page with what a nag is I share with you that Dictionary.com defines nag as to annoy by persistent faultfinding, complaints, or demands. Can you relate to this definition? Are you a nag, self-proclaimed or judged as such? Then keep reading because I want to share with you 8 tools that I have learned through Positive Discipline that seriously decrease my nagging time, and I’m finding greater joy in parenting because of them.

1.     Act without talking: when you need your child to cooperate with something you have asked him to do once, and he doesn’t follow through try gently putting your hand on his shoulder and walking him to the place where the task takes place. Or, when your child is doing their best to interrupt you while you are on the phone, simply reach out and rub her arm without looking at her, let her know you are aware that she needs you but you aren’t responding to her verbally right now. She’ll either stay with you while you finish your call or she’ll walk away and try again later. (Get it, you aren’t nagging—feels good, doesn’t it?)

2.     Give Limited Choices: Children want to have power and be in control, so let them. “Will you get in your car seat by yourself, or would you like me to help you?” “Would you like peas or corn for dinner?” “Do you want to wear the red shoes or the white ones?” With this we aren’t nagging either, simply giving choices and waiting while children decide for themselves. It’s a win/win.

3.      Make a reasonable request in 10 words or less, and wait for child to respond. We nagging moms can really over talk things! When we say things with fewer words children and spouses are more likely to listen. It helps to do this when there are no distractions, make sure you have your child’s complete attention when you do this.

4.     Use one word. I love this! When it is time for me to begin the laundry I simply say to my daughters, “Laundry!” and they know that means to get their laundry in the hamper, or the consequence is their clothes don’t get washed.

5.     Use a signal or leave a note for your child. I find that leaving a note for my girls works better than almost anything else I’ve tried, but of course they are old enough to read! To use a signal let’s say your children’s dirty clothes are lying in a pile on their bedroom floor; when you go to tuck them in, simply point to the pile. They know what you mean, and they will usually take care of the pile right then and there—no nagging, lecturing or telling necessary! (Obviously they need to have experience and know what to do with their dirty clothes, the expectation has to already be set up)

6.     Say how you feel: Use I messages that share with your child what you would like to have happen. “I wish the bathroom towels could be hung on the towel rack.”

7.     Give information: give your child the information they need to do what you are asking. Make sure they have the skills they need to complete the task.

8.     Describe what you see: “I see the towels are on the bathroom floor.” I have found that this takes blame and shame out of the equation. The child knows who left their towel on the floor and the one who did will fix their mistake without you nagging at them!

I hope these tools help you as much as they have me. I’d love to hear how they work for you too, so leave me a comment. Feel free to share this with others who you think might benefit too!

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Posted in Inspirations for Positive Parenting, Marni's Musings, Parenting, Parenting Styles, Parenting Teenagers, Parenting Tips, Parenting Young Children, Positive Parenting | 2 Comments »

Children Need Responsibility

Wednesday, September 29th, 2010

Are you doing too much for your children or teens? Do you feel like you are always picking up after them, delivering the “forgotten” items to school each week, wishing they helped out more around the house, wondering if it is too much to give them a few chores or responsibilities at home? If so, you’re not alone. These are common concerns for many parents today. We struggle with how to best balance our children’s busy lives with what they could/should be doing as a productive member of the family.

I am a proponent of children having chores and responsibilities in the home. Maybe I am old fashioned or maybe it’s because I grew up on a cattle ranch and we all had to do our fair share of work as animals and land don’t wait. We all lived and worked together for a common goal and for the common good of the family.  I learned at a very young age that work always comes before play. And when the work was done we played hard and enjoyed the fruits of our labor.  This has instilled in me a work ethic that is hard to come by in today where we hire gardeners, housekeepers, painters, handymen, etc. to do the work we either don’t want or can’t do ourselves.

Giving your children a few chores to do around the house on a regular basis, or delegating to them a particular task teaches a great deal. They learn social responsibility, life skills and work ethic. Children also acquire a sense of significance and belonging when they are part of something else. It goes without saying that children can certainly benefit from learning the skills necessary to take care of a home, after all they will one day. Completing a task successfully also provides the child with a sense of accomplishment and pride while strengthening the connections within the family.

Children at a very early age can help with small things around the house. Preschoolers can sort laundry, take their dishes to the counter, put the silverware on the table, place their dirty clothes in the hamper, and hang their towel on the rack. Older children can be in charge of entire tasks such as setting the table, sorting the laundry and starting the machine, putting their own clothes away, keeping their toys picked up…the possibilities are as endless as your to do list. These chores and responsibilities do not need to be contained to indoors only either. Yard work is an excellent source of task ideas. Who knows, you may start a life long love of gardening. And what about that car that so desperately needs to be washed?

I know many of you are saying, “Yea right! How am I going to get my angst driven teenager to start doing chores around here now?” Well, quite truthfully, if they have never had any before there will probably be some resistance. Anytime you implement change in behavior or expectations everyone will need some time to adjust. I believe that family meetings are an excellent and productive way to share new thoughts or ideas within a family. Guidelines about how to manage a family meeting can be found on line, or you can create your own. Family meetings can be as creative as the individual family. The ground rules are quite simple: everyone gets a change to speak and be heard and you come to some sort of agreement or compromise as the solution.

Children will be most successful with the completion of the task if they have buy-in, meaning that they actually got to make a choice about which chore they will do based on a list either created by you or as a family. It is also necessary to take adequate time to train your child to do the task. By taking time for training you ensure the standard and set them up for success.  Keep in mind the abilities of your child and allow for some wiggle room with “standard” the first time around. Once your child has finished the task be gracious and share with them how nice it was for you that they shared in the workload around the house.

So what are you waiting for? Go ahead and take a look at your lengthy to do list and ask yourself which tasks your children can easily do and ask them to help you out.  You may just find that they enjoy the responsibility and are proud that you asked for their help!

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Posted in Marni's Musings, Parenting, Parenting Teenagers, Positive Parenting | 2 Comments »

Who’s Getting Your Child Out of Bed?

Thursday, September 23rd, 2010

Do you have a tough time getting your child up in the morning? Do you return to their room time and time again to hear the same retort over and over, “I know, I’m getting up!” During this last week this topic has come up in everyday conversations with parents, in my coaching practice and in my parenting classes, so, I figure if something is coming up that often it must be a concern for lots of parents. I hope to shed some light on this topic and reframe your thinking about whose job it is to get your child of bed each day.

I must first be completely transparent here and tell you I hate to get out of bed in the morning, and always have. I understand what it feels like to want to push the snooze bar just one more time, or put the pillow back over my head and pretend it will all go away.  Wish as I might, this is not an option. I have responsibilities to tend to, my children, my career, my pets etc. that will not wait for me while I sleep the day away.

Getting ourselves up and going everyday is a skill we all need to be functioning adults. We don’t have our parents knocking on our doors, calling on the phone (okay, I do, but that’s a whole other blog post!), or shaking our bodies when it is time for us to get up. And, as parents, it is important for us to teach our children this skill without getting into power struggles. The sooner you start teaching your children that it is their responsibility to get out of bed the easier your mornings will be, and the better prepared for the real world your adult child will be.

Regardless of what age your child is now, kindergarten or beyond, it is important to have a discussion or family meeting about the importance of learning to get yourself up and going each day.  Let them know that as a parent it is your job to teach them how to get along when you are not around, and you will not be coming in their room to get them up any longer. Ask them to share their ideas on finding a solution to this situation. In many families an alarm clock is purchased the first day of kindergarten and becomes an important life tool. Kids love technology and they love being in control and involved in the process of purchasing a gadget, and learning to use it!

Now the hard part—you must have faith and trust that your child can and will get themselves up for school. A mom recently shared with me that her teenage daughter is very difficult to get out of bed, and because of this their mornings are rushed and mom is often irritated and annoyed by the time everyone gets out of the house. She shared with me that her belief had been that her daughter could not get out of bed by herself. Then one day when her daughter hadn’t had a chance to shower at night before going to bed, the typical routine in the home, she was up and in the shower before mom was even out of bed! What did this mom learn? Her daughter is capable and can get herself out of bed in the morning—when it is important to her to do so.  Mom now has faith and is ready to create effective change in the home thereby teaching her daughter a skill for life.

Some key things to consider when you are ready to make the change in your home to letting your child get themselves up and out of bed:

  • Is the nighttime routine consistent and effective?
  • Are your children getting enough sleep?
  • How much time does each child realistically need to get ready in the morning—this depends on the speed at which your child moves in the morning!

Just imagine the joy you will feel as a parent when you know your child will go to college able to get themselves up and going every day!

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Posted in Marni's Musings, Parenting, Parenting Teenagers, Positive Parenting, Uncategorized | 3 Comments »

Are Your Children on a “Race to Nowhere”

Tuesday, September 14th, 2010

School just started and I’m wondering if your children are already complaining about headaches or stomachaches in the morning? Maybe you are even hearing those horrible words, “I don’t want to go to school, or I hate school!”  As a parent hearing these things from our children can make us feel worried, concerned, challenged and often powerless. We want children to enjoy school.  The majority of all parents I work with want their children to have a lifelong love of learning, yet their children, many at very young ages, are already complaining of psychological and somatic symptoms due to the pressure to perform in school.

Our family has certainly experienced this stress. At various times throughout their youth both of my daughters have complained of physical symptoms, and often times there have been tears shed over the shear amount of homework. Family vacations and holidays have had the added stress of hours and hours of homework, not too mention lugging the pounds of textbooks and school supplies on airplanes and road trips. My husband and I have struggled with the desire to rescue our children knowing that by doing this we weren’t helping anyone.

My daughters struggle to find a healthy balance between the things they love to do, such as sports, visual and performing arts, socializing with their friends, and the desire to do well in school. As a parent coach, educator and family consultant I intellectually know that this struggle to manage ones time between the things we want to do and the things we need to do is something we must all learn. It’s a skill most commonly referred to as time management.

Can our students really learn about time management when they are in school for 7 hours a day and then come home to 4 to 6 hours of additional homework? Are we sending a message to our young people that they should be well-rounded human beings with a love of learning and a variety of healthy interests, or are we telling them that in order to be successful they must be workaholics and perform to the standards set forth by someone else?

A powerful documentary Race to Nowhere by Vicki Abeles shares with us the latest research and first hand stories of children, teens and families who have been pushed to and over the edge by the overwhelming need to perform in our current education system.  This movie is beautifully done. It is poignant and masterfully created. Not only does the movie define the problem, but at the end actually gives everyone ways to get involved and help change the state of our education system. Whether you are a parent, student, educator, administrator or simply a concerned individual about the future of our nation—you must see this.

I invite you to take a look at their website http://www.racetonowhere.com/ and join the movement.

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Posted in Marni's Musings, Parenting, Parenting Teenagers | 5 Comments »

Getting My Groove Back!

Wednesday, September 1st, 2010

I am thoroughly enjoying that the girls are back in school. My routines are falling back into place quite nicely. As a WAHM I found this past summer to be very challenging. Have you ever had one of those days when you had every intention of completing at least one thing on your to do list, and the next thing you know it’s three o’clock in the afternoon, you’re still in your pajamas sitting at the computer, and not a single thing you needed to accomplish is done. How does this happen when you’ve been working for hours? As a WAHM I have welcomed the return of the school year with much more zeal than I ever did when I worked outside the home.

I actually questioned whether the excitement I was feeling was normal, and I must confess I felt a bit guilty when I was more excited about buying school supplies than my daughters were!

Not only do I find it much easier to focus on my work, and I’m accomplishing tasks in about half the time I did during the summer, but better yet, I have much more time to focus on the kind of mom I want to be when my girls get home from school each day. I am able to meet their needs with more patience and love because mine have systematically been met.

In my work with children and families I frequently talk about the importance of structures, systems and routines when it comes to raising confident, well-adjusted children, and now I’m realizing that it is just as important for mom!

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Posted in Marni's Musings, Parenting, Self Care | 1 Comment »

Are you equipped to help your child build healthy relationships?

Monday, July 12th, 2010

It takes a lot of compassion and empathy to be a parent, especially when it comes to helping our children cope with the social challenges of growing up. As adults we all know that friendships change in many different ways. Often relationships can become stronger while others may dissolve altogether. Children are just learning this lesson, and we can’t protect them from the pain of inevitable change.  What we can do, however, is help them process and cope with the change. By asking thoughtful questions from your heart about what your child is  thinking, feeling and deciding about a particular situation they can come up with some of their own ideas about how to best deal with the situation.

Validate and empathize the feelings of your child, or help them give language to their feelings. As a society we are not comfortable talking about negative feelings, but I encourage you to do just that. Help your child build an emotional language so that they can express themselves in productive ways. Giving your child a journal to write about their experiences, and honoring their privacy with this journal will also promote healthy social and emotional limits for your child or teen.

I also find that sharing personal stories about our own experiences can be beneficial in helping a child process their experience, and lets them know we have all been there. Lecturing or getting on a soapbox about what your child should do, or judging how they are behaving is not healthy, nor is going to help.

Most important is to continue to honor, respect and love your child as they continue to experience the unconditional relationship that exists between the two of you, and model healthy relationships in your own life.

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Our First Fender Bender

Friday, April 23rd, 2010

The cell phone rings, and of course I am way too busy at the moment to take a call from anyone. It’s her special ring, the piano riff, and instantly I get that feeling in the pit of my stomach that only a mother knows. “Mom can you come to the corner of Cota and Rhoda Way?”

“What do you need, Honey?” I ask in hopes that the question will reveal an answer different than the one I knew I was going to hear.

“I’ve been in a little accident, but everyone’s okay.” I then breathe a sigh of relief. At that moment she says something I am certain I haven’t heard in a long time, and quite possibly thought I’d never hear again, “Mom, I need you.”

I know that this teenage driving thing is risky, but I really didn’t believe that only two months after getting her drivers license, my baby would be involved in her first fender bender. Nor, would I have ever believed that a minor accident could possibly bring her father and I to a greater understanding of the vulnerability still alive in our seventeen year-old daughter. On the exterior she appears as though she can take on the world. She is strong, confident, intelligent, dedicated and committed to many a cause, but she still needs us.

I could have very easily made a big deal out of this accident as it is financially going to be a challenge for our family, and because I have reminded her time and time again about looking over her left shoulder. Among many things, I could have yelled at her, and punished her by taking her car away. However, I chose to take a different path, I chose to make this a lesson in learning from mistakes rather than learning about how scared, angry, upset or disappointed she can make her father and I feel. This lesson isn’t about her dad and I, it is a lesson in life from which she needs to learn.

Our little girl is growing up. She is now learning how to right a wrong in a very different way than she did in her primary years, but none the less, using the same tools and skills. She is learning more about being a careful driver, about insurance companies, about auto body shops and. most importantly, that she can rely on the ones who love her even when she thinks the worst thing in the world has just happened.

As a family we are learning more about gratitude. We are so grateful that neither the people in the other car or Sierra were injured in our first fender bender. Life is beautiful, and we must pay attention to the parenting lessons that come our way everyday, and make conscientious choices about what we learn and teach from them.

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Posted in Marni's Musings, Parenting Teenagers, Positive Parenting | 2 Comments »

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