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It’s As Simple As Asking a Question

Wednesday, May 18th, 2011

More and more I get the sense that parents feel the need to be the “Enforcer” in their home? Maybe they feel like their number one responsibility is to “make” their kids do things; and when they don’t do what is expected of them parents feel ineffective and wonder why the kids aren’t listening. Ultimately many parents then wonder what effective form of punishment they should enforce to teach their kids a lesson. Raising children that are self-disciplined, responsible and cooperative is challenging, but it can be done without the need to live in a police state. It’s done through educating children about their responsibility to themselves and others.

The word education comes from the Latin root educaré, which means, “to draw forth.” Most parents try to “stuff in” and then wonder why children don’t listen. As parents continue to lecture, tell, bribe, threaten or punish the words begin to sound like Charlie Brown’s teacher, and they go in one ear and out the other. This passive state of listening is not effective in gaining cooperation from children. Rather, if there is a shift in language from telling to asking questions a shift occurs in the child’s brain to active listening and thinking.

When parents ask curiosity questions they not only ignite the little signals in the child’s brain that remind children, “Oh, Yea, I’m suppose to take out the trash right now”, but mom and dad also get answers that deepen their understanding about why the child hasn’t actually completed the chore.  In other situations listening deeply to a child’s answers gives adults the opportunity to construct even more questions that can expand a child’s personal knowledge and understanding of themselves or the natural and logical consequences of a particular situation.

The challenge for most parents who decide to practice asking curiosity questions is just simply the act of listening or continuing to ask further questions without stepping in to tell the child what it is they are suppose to be doing or what might happen if… It’s also common to ask questions that are loaded in hopes that a parent will get the answer they are looking for, rather than the answer the child has. I encourage parents to practice asking questions and simply listening without imposing their own judgment. Some questions to ask might be:

  • What do you think is going on in this situation?
  • What is your plan?
  • What might be some benefits if you _________________?
  • What might be some consequence for _____________________?
  • What do you think are some possible solutions in your situation?

While this list is in no way exhaustive it can be a starting point. Remember that curiosity questions start with words like how, what, and why. These types of questions can also be used with very young children to help them cognitively explore their understanding of their world.

What is often of great surprise to parents is that they find out their children actually do have many answers and are paying more attention to dad and mom than we think they are. However, when adults are always lecturing at children the opportunity to hear their stories and gather their knowledge leave us believing they just don’t listen!

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Posted in Inspirations for Positive Parenting, Marni's Musings, Parenting, Parenting Teenagers, Parenting Tips, Parenting Young Children, Positive Discipline, Positive Parenting, Uncategorized, siblings | 1 Comment »

Helping Children Process Disaster

Wednesday, March 16th, 2011

“Oh, no, that’s a body!” exclaimed my 14-year-old daughter as she stood staring at the front page of the LA Times. The photo is of a dead man being pulled from the wreckage of the horrific earthquake that has devastated Japan.  While I am as mortified and saddened by the destruction and loss of life as anyone else, I wonder if this imagery is really necessary? As human beings do we really need the visual impact to understand how horrible things are across the Pacific? As a parent and someone who works with children and families it is quite disconcerting to me that these images are everywhere we turn right now. Many parents are having a difficult time wrapping their own minds around this tragedy, and even a more difficult time explaining it to their children.

Parents often underestimate the impact a distant catastrophe of this magnitude can have on their children. Some even believe that they may be protecting their children from it without realizing that there is no getting away from it. It’s on the news in our cars; it’s on the TVs in our homes; it’s in every newspaper and on the cover of every news magazine from your kitchen table to the grocery store checkout line. Our children are like sponges taking in images and stories all around them every minute of every day. Their young brains work overtime trying to assimilate this information and categorize it into their own experiences. Depending on the age and stage of your child’s development it’s imperative to be ever vigilant about helping them process this disaster.

Very young children, 3 and under, should be protected from as much of the visual imagery as possible. They are incapable of understanding that the things they see on TV are not happening in their own back yard, or that they are safe from the fires and flooding. Likewise preschool age children should not be subjected to the visual imagery available on TV, computers or in print. Parent must be vigilant about watching for signs that their child is trying to process the earthquake. Some children will act out by recreating an “earthquake” in imaginary play, and others will begin to use terminology they are currently hearing and seeing. Parents can best help their child deal with this by asking questions to get a clear picture of their current understanding, and answer the questions in a simple and clear manner without inducing fear or anxiety.

School age children are more probably hearing lots about the earthquake in school, and some may even have friends whose family have been affected. Again, rely on asking questions to help you gain a deeper understanding about what your child already knows, and where it is you might be able to further their grasp of the situation. Do your best to reassure your child that in the unlikely (or for some of us more likely) event something like this happens here the adults are doing everything they can to prepare. Older children should be encouraged to help in a family’s disaster preparedness plan. By allowing children to be part of the preparation they will feel more secure and reassured that the family is adequately equipped to cope in any unforeseen event.

For more detailed information about preparing your family for a disaster please go to http://www.fema.gov/areyouready/emergency_planning.shtm

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Posted in Parenting, Parenting Tips, Positive Parenting, Uncategorized | No Comments »

11 Tips to Soothe Sibling Rivalry

Tuesday, January 4th, 2011

If you have more than one child, or are a sibling yourself, you are more than likely aware that arguing, bickering or physically tormenting a brother or sister is simply part of the package. But, did you know that as a parent your reaction to your own children’s squabbling can contribute to sibling rivalry that may affect their relationships in negative ways for many years to come?

As parents we want nothing but the best for our children. Many of us who have more than one child may have even fantasized during pregnancy about what great friends and playmates our children would be, and that as adults they would be closest of friends. It is understandable that when our children are hurting each other’s feelings, or physically pounding on one other that we can become impatient, or even enraged by this behavior. What good does that do anyone?

Listed here are 11 tips for soothing sibling rivalry in your home. Give one or more of them a try–You’ll be glad you did!

  1. Accept sibling rivalry—we don’t all get along one hundred percent of the time and neither will our kids. Understanding that the occasional or even more frequent spat is normal and expected will help you keep your patience.
  2. Consider the age of the siblings– children at varying developmental levels have different needs. Do what you can to set up the environment so that each child get’s his or her needs met, and spend special time with each of your children individually.
  3. Allow feelings to be expressed. We don’t like to hear negative feelings, but let’s face it we all have them, and allowing them to be expressed will give you the opportunity to teach your children how to express their negative feelings in an appropriate manner.
  4. Don’t react without taking a moment to decide how and why you are going to intervene. Being mindful about why it is you are getting involved and being very clear about your desired outcome is paramount in helping children resolve their conflicts.
  5. Emotionally distance yourself from the conflict and stay neutral. Don’t choose sides or make comparisons. By maintaining neutrality you are able to validate and empathize with each child giving them the opportunity to express themselves and focus on solutions to the problem.
  6. Assist in bridging the gap in their differences by using conflict resolution skills that teach children to focus on problem solving skills.
  7. Refrain from punishing, shaming or labeling your children’s behavior—These tactics don’t teach anything about getting along with others!
  8. Model healthy relationships—the way you and your spouse or partner resolve conflicts makes a huge impact on your child’s ability to form close and meaningful relationships throughout their life.
  9. Bear it, Beat it, or Boot ‘em out! Give your children the opportunity to resolve conflicts on their own without intervening. Bear it–simply stay quiet and let them figure it out; Beat it–walk away and trust that they can resolve the problem; Boot ‘em out–send them to another room or outside and let them know you’d love them to come back and tell you how they solved their conflict.
  10. Fairness has nothing to do with it! Do not worry about everything being exactly fair. Rather, strive for equality. Each child should get what they need in time and attention from their parents.
  11. Make sure everyone’s basic needs are met. Tired, hungry or sick children don’t make the best brothers or sisters, and mommy and daddy aren’t much help if they are exhausted and overwhelmed either. Be aware of the bewitching hours in your home and plan accordingly by involving the children in other activities.
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Posted in Marni's Musings, Parenting, Parenting Teenagers, Parenting Tips, Parenting Young Children, Positive Parenting, Uncategorized, siblings | 2 Comments »

Who’s Getting Your Child Out of Bed?

Thursday, September 23rd, 2010

Do you have a tough time getting your child up in the morning? Do you return to their room time and time again to hear the same retort over and over, “I know, I’m getting up!” During this last week this topic has come up in everyday conversations with parents, in my coaching practice and in my parenting classes, so, I figure if something is coming up that often it must be a concern for lots of parents. I hope to shed some light on this topic and reframe your thinking about whose job it is to get your child of bed each day.

I must first be completely transparent here and tell you I hate to get out of bed in the morning, and always have. I understand what it feels like to want to push the snooze bar just one more time, or put the pillow back over my head and pretend it will all go away.  Wish as I might, this is not an option. I have responsibilities to tend to, my children, my career, my pets etc. that will not wait for me while I sleep the day away.

Getting ourselves up and going everyday is a skill we all need to be functioning adults. We don’t have our parents knocking on our doors, calling on the phone (okay, I do, but that’s a whole other blog post!), or shaking our bodies when it is time for us to get up. And, as parents, it is important for us to teach our children this skill without getting into power struggles. The sooner you start teaching your children that it is their responsibility to get out of bed the easier your mornings will be, and the better prepared for the real world your adult child will be.

Regardless of what age your child is now, kindergarten or beyond, it is important to have a discussion or family meeting about the importance of learning to get yourself up and going each day.  Let them know that as a parent it is your job to teach them how to get along when you are not around, and you will not be coming in their room to get them up any longer. Ask them to share their ideas on finding a solution to this situation. In many families an alarm clock is purchased the first day of kindergarten and becomes an important life tool. Kids love technology and they love being in control and involved in the process of purchasing a gadget, and learning to use it!

Now the hard part—you must have faith and trust that your child can and will get themselves up for school. A mom recently shared with me that her teenage daughter is very difficult to get out of bed, and because of this their mornings are rushed and mom is often irritated and annoyed by the time everyone gets out of the house. She shared with me that her belief had been that her daughter could not get out of bed by herself. Then one day when her daughter hadn’t had a chance to shower at night before going to bed, the typical routine in the home, she was up and in the shower before mom was even out of bed! What did this mom learn? Her daughter is capable and can get herself out of bed in the morning—when it is important to her to do so.  Mom now has faith and is ready to create effective change in the home thereby teaching her daughter a skill for life.

Some key things to consider when you are ready to make the change in your home to letting your child get themselves up and out of bed:

  • Is the nighttime routine consistent and effective?
  • Are your children getting enough sleep?
  • How much time does each child realistically need to get ready in the morning—this depends on the speed at which your child moves in the morning!

Just imagine the joy you will feel as a parent when you know your child will go to college able to get themselves up and going every day!

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Posted in Marni's Musings, Parenting, Parenting Teenagers, Positive Parenting, Uncategorized | 3 Comments »